Finding Joy Among the Pain

This is a post I've had in mind for a long time. Although, I thought it would be something I shared farther down the road after I had children and didn't feel the sting of pain quite as much. But recently I have felt it is time to be open. I have always been a private person - these are things only family and close friends know about. But in the recent women's session of general conference the overwhelming theme was being positive and helping lift other women. I felt like this was something that other women could relate to and we could work to support each other.

About a week before my 25th birthday I got the news I had been hoping and praying for for over almost two years. Dan I were finally going to be parents! We couldn't believe it. Doctors hadn't been able to find any reason we were having difficulty, and we were getting frustrated. When we saw our baby with his tiny heart beating inside of me we were instantly in love. We hadn't fully allowed ourselves to believe this miracle was real until we saw that heartbeat. I was seven weeks pregnant, and decided to tell our family the great news. They were so excited - many of them had been hoping and praying right along with us. We slowly started telling a few close friends, but weren't planning on announcing to the world until my second trimester.
When I was eleven weeks Dan and I met at the doctors office. We got the first appointment of the day so that we could go to work and school afterwards. After a doppler, ultrasound, and vaginal ultrasound the doctor told us that our precious baby's heart had stopped beating. I was numb. Tears were flowing, and it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Dan and I just sat there hugging and sobbing together. After some time our doctor came in to discuss our options. We decided to get a d&c later that day as opposed to going through the process at home. (Looking back I'm grateful we went this route - it would have killed me to go home and wait for my body to miscarry naturally. Our doctor and the nurses at the hospital were so sensitive, and I'm grateful for their kindness during the hardest and worst day of our lives.)

I had never known the pain a miscarriage could bring. I knew people who went through it before, and definitely didn't understand the full impact that must have had on them. I am ashamed to say I didn't show sympathy or empathize as I should have. Miscarriage is just not talked about - and who knew you could love someone so much without even meeting them?
There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of our sweet pea. He would be turning one in the next few weeks, and I just think of this past year and how completely different it would be if he had made it. For many months after losing him I couldn't motivate myself to do much. I was in a very dark and scary place. I was easily offended, irritable, and worst of all pushing many things that meant the most to me away. I couldn't bear to attend church each week - which was saturated with happy pregnant couples or small families. (Seriously - there were at least 2-3 babies being born each month). Beyond seeing so many babies when I was denied one, I couldn't understand why we had to go through the death of our baby when we had already been trying for almost two years. Having children and becoming a mother has always been my biggest desire - and it is a righteous desire that my Heavenly Father approves of. Why would he take our precious baby from us or make us wait so long with no answers or help? Was I not good enough? Am I not supposed to be a mother? Can I only be an aunt - is that as close to mothering I'll get?
Although it was the hardest time in my life, I was also blessed with some very sacred experiences. I felt my Savior mourning with me and comforting me like never before. He allowed me to grieve and all the while poured out His love to me.

'If you are feeling lost, abandoned, or forgotten, fear not. The Good Shepherd will find you. He lifts you upon His shoulders. And He will carry you home." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It has now been three and a half years since we first started trying. We have learned a lot about each other along the way and strive to better ourselves in spite of these trials we have to face. My love for Dan has grown so much, and I am so grateful to have him as my partner in all of this. I've also had to humble myself and learn that people generally mean well even if what they say stings. We are continually learning how to deal with our disappointments - both of our miscarriage as well as the pain of infertility.
I know that many deal with these same trials, which is part of the reason I have felt I should post this. Miscarriages and infertility might be hard things to talk about, but unfortunately they are more common than they should be. It can be terribly isolating since it is so hard for people to talk about, and really hard to understand without going through it. I hope no one reading this can relate - but if you do, please know that you are so loved. I have my bitter and angry moments, but I have so many more moments when I feel loved, comforted, and needed. Let us all have faith and build each other up in all situations and circumstances. Let us rely on our Savior, and He will comfort and guide us in return.